FIVE SUREFIRE WAYS TO HAVE FUN IN COLLEGE DURING A PANDEMIC

1. LIVE WITH THREE GIRLS YOU MET ON FACEBOOK MARKETPLACE AND HAVE IT NOT WORK OUT IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM.

Upend your life by choosing to find new roommates for your junior year of college. Look into “deepening connections” with a different side of college life than you have previously. Attend a “roommate bonding picnic.” Take about 1,000 self-timed pictures walking towards a tripod. Resist the urge to flee. Fail to perform your daily rotating chore list that includes, but is not limited to: wiping down the windows, mopping the living room floor, and promising your undying support of their philanthropic sorority. Disagree on almost everything. Move out by November.

2. VISIT YOUR FRIENDS IN UTAH FOR WHAT YOU THINK WILL BE SEVEN DAYS.

Pack your suitcase for a quick trip to Utah to remind yourself that you still have friends somewhere in the continental US. Enjoy a week of female bonding and revitalization. Talk about your current and ex-boyfriends endlessly. Catch up on The Bachelor, and criticize literally every woman on the show for not being “authentic.” Recognize that despite your independence, female friendship (and friendship in general…because let’s be honest, you are not a woman who attracts many straight male friends) is important and even necessary for growth as a person In Their 20s. 

3. STAY IN UTAH FOR 3 MONTHS.

Rent an extended stay AirBnb owned by your friend’s mother. Realize you live .3 miles away from where Ted Bundy killed a bunch of those women. Jog past the house a few times a week as a weird way of reminding yourself that you are in control of your own life. Deadbolt the door every night just in case. 

4. MOVE TO MASSACHUSETTS TO BE CLOSE TO YOUR BOYFRIEND BECAUSE CAN’T A GIRL JUST BE IN LOVE?

Find a “reasonably priced” studio apartment in the heart of Cambridge. Sell your dented 2007 Jeep Patriot and fly to Boston. Rent a U-Haul and take a trip to Ikea with your boyfriend. Experience the human emotion of Sadness when you realize the food court is closed. Lean into the Sadness as you sit down to journal, lamenting that you will never get to try the famous Ikea meatballs. Recognize that in this age you can order anything online. Order shower curtain hooks instead because you are an Adult Woman who could probably do without the Ikea meatballs right now. Open up your ginormous windows and take 1,000 different photographs a day of the light shining through your apartment. Acknowledge that you do not have an eye for photography and that is okay.

5. BECOME ENLIGHTENED AND FREE FROM ALL WORRY OR SELF-DOUBT.

Listen to one-fourth of a self-help book on Audible that your therapist recommended. Quote from the prologue of this book endlessly. Remember to water your plant you bought from Ikea. Tear up at the customer reviews as you try to discern whether or not you’re watering it right. Notice that this might be a metaphor for your own life, but also maybe not. Stream Broad City reruns from your iPhone hotspot because you still haven’t gotten around to setting up your wifi. Have your boyfriend over for dinner and dress up for the occasion. Envision yourself as Carrie Bradshaw. Grow silent over your chicken salad as you analyze whether your boyfriend is an Aiden or a Mr. Big. Try to start writing one of the four papers you have due, then pause after writing the first sentence to post on your Instagram story about how impossible it is to get any work done In The Pandemic. Email your nicest professor about getting an extension. Do five minutes of “yoga” and then give up. Understand that you are constantly Growing and Changing and are also barely twenty-one years old. Know deep down that Acceptance Is The First Step and also that undergrad doesn’t matter. Think about changing your major. Apply to graduate anyways.

thank you so much for inviting me to your party

Hi! Thanks so much for inviting me to your party. I didn’t have anything to do tonight and was actually planning on journaling and/or emotionally spiraling by candlelight until about 1:25 AM. This is good for me. I needed to get out of the house.

Sooo, so sorry to interrupt your conversation but I literally don’t care what you’re talking about. You’re the only people I know here though so I’m just going to talk really fervently about myself if that’s cool. Hope you don’t mind if I tell you really intimate details about all the people I’ve ever been in love with before launching into a rant about how important it is to “invest in good skincare” like a condescending soccer mom. Just trying to help :)

Do you know where the bathroom is in this place? I don’t need to go at all, but it seems like something I could do later. Maybe it could be the climax in this three-act dramedy that is Me Stepping Out of the House and Attending an Event with Real-Life People (it’s getting developed into a mini-series starring Julianne Moore as ME, and by that I mean I emailed HBO about the idea but they haven’t gotten back to me yet. “Give it time,” I whisper to myself every morning into my very black – yes, black! – coffee, “Give it time.”)

What was that? Oh, you called this party “absolute chaos?” I agree. But you know the etymology of the word chaos, don’t you? Oh, you don’t? Well, it’s actually a term borrowed from Ancient Greek meaning “infinite darkness” or “void.” (I pause for a second after; my brow is furrowed as if to say I have more depth than you. Then, I actually say that out loud accidentally. Oops!) I have more depth than you. 

The ambience in this room reminds me of an underground speakeasy. I went to one with a friend once when I was travelling abroad in Europe. You can’t even imagine what it was like walking down those stairs – what? You have to go? Don’t you want to hear me tell the rest of this adorable anecdote? I have pictures! You probably won’t understand them though because it takes a real photographer’s eye to notice the contrast of light and dark—and you’re gone.

Well, this was fun. And it’s only midnight, which means that I definitely have time to take a bubble bath and think very hard about why all of my previous relationships have failed (I’m a free spirit/too multi-dimensional to be understood/I refuse to put down my Moleskine, etc. etc.) 

Please let me know the next time you all are getting together. I’d love to catch up over matcha and by that I mean I’d love to hold you hostage in a coffee shop while reading confessional poetry I wrote during my Intro to Philosophy class. You’ll love it! See you later! And don’t forget all the stuff I told you about that expensive face serum with the fish eggs. It’s super exfoliating.

everyone shut up immediately because I am now a vegan

ATTENTION, ALL!

I am now vegan. Yes, you heard me: V-E-G-A-N. It’s true. I need everyone to know now and forever that I am not consuming animal products and I need to be worshipped for this momentous decision.

I knew about the environmental harm that the meat industry was causing for a while. But then I watched a documentary about how veganism could improve my life personally and I said, “I’m in.” 

Does this, in a way, make me a bad person? No. Because I’m a vegan now, bitch. It’s impossible for me to be a bad person and also a vegan. Those things are mutually exclusive.

I need everyone to understand the rush I get at uttering the phrase, “Oh, no thanks. I’m vegan.” My dopamine levels are off the charts right now. The adrenaline is comparable to base jumping. 

 Every morning, I drink my coffee with coconut milk and the tears of carnivores. I’m constantly eating carbohydrates to fill the void of meat and dairy and I ! am ! okay !

Do I sometimes think about hamburgers? Yes. 

Do I fall asleep at night clutching my pillow like a five-pound steak? I can’t say that I don’t.

Will I occasionally fall to my knees at the scent of a Kroger rotisserie chicken? Absolutely I will.

But a quick bite of tofu and a meat-smelling candle can easily fix these problems. I am strong. I am wise. I am typing this sentence with the energy that a plant gave me, and I think that’s really beautiful.

Listen. I’m not saying that you’re a bad person for consuming animal products. I’m implying that you’re a bad person. Through tone and word choice. It’s different.

I really hope that this has encouraged you to become a vegan. But secretly I also hope that no one else ever becomes a vegan again and I am the last one to exist because at the end of the day being vegan is about ME.