everyone shut up immediately because I am now a vegan

ATTENTION, ALL!

I am now vegan. Yes, you heard me: V-E-G-A-N. It’s true. I need everyone to know now and forever that I am not consuming animal products and I need to be worshipped for this momentous decision.

I knew about the environmental harm that the meat industry was causing for a while. But then I watched a documentary about how veganism could improve my life personally and I said, “I’m in.” 

Does this, in a way, make me a bad person? No. Because I’m a vegan now, bitch. It’s impossible for me to be a bad person and also a vegan. Those things are mutually exclusive.

I need everyone to understand the rush I get at uttering the phrase, “Oh, no thanks. I’m vegan.” My dopamine levels are off the charts right now. The adrenaline is comparable to base jumping. 

 Every morning, I drink my coffee with coconut milk and the tears of carnivores. I’m constantly eating carbohydrates to fill the void of meat and dairy and I ! am ! okay !

Do I sometimes think about hamburgers? Yes. 

Do I fall asleep at night clutching my pillow like a five-pound steak? I can’t say that I don’t.

Will I occasionally fall to my knees at the scent of a Kroger rotisserie chicken? Absolutely I will.

But a quick bite of tofu and a meat-smelling candle can easily fix these problems. I am strong. I am wise. I am typing this sentence with the energy that a plant gave me, and I think that’s really beautiful.

Listen. I’m not saying that you’re a bad person for consuming animal products. I’m implying that you’re a bad person. Through tone and word choice. It’s different.

I really hope that this has encouraged you to become a vegan. But secretly I also hope that no one else ever becomes a vegan again and I am the last one to exist because at the end of the day being vegan is about ME.